Labou rare idle swine

This is a species conservation alert!

I would urge people to be on the lookout for that most aggressive of species The Labou rare idle swine. Please inspect your composts, garden sheds and outside toilets to make sure that there are no Labou hiding out waiting to devour your hard earned possessions, as they appear to like banking in land.

At this time of year the Alpha male of the group will typically sound the call in a trumpeting bellow “UP THE BAGGIES, BOING BOING!”, which is a signal to the rest of the herd that “the mating” season has begun. This prompts a plumage of red and yellow patches to grow on the labou, and they will gregariously gather in large numbers as a fixed action pattern to mass at your front doors, or even stop you in the street, but please do not encourage them as many of them are a “non- native” species, originally hailing from Russia.

Large numbers have been reported in the Sandwell area, and as many as 70 may be present at any one time. A large flock is often seen grazing in the streets around Oldbury town centre.

A general election and individual regional election licence to control their numbers at this time is available when they are fightless. Please be advised not to apply for this by post however as there have been some strange discrepancies of irregularity, which could render the licence invalid. This may be controversial if the public find out about it.



The Labou rare idle swine are particularly allergic to greens and kippers and will projectile vomit bile when given feed containing these. They are also extremely coprophobic towards excrement of other species, but enjoy wallowing in plenty of their own. Egg and flour suit them best.

They may foul your property at a rate of every six minutes with their deposits and this could encourage other vermin to do the same. This material is very dangerous if you inadvertently swallow it. There are documented cases of fat Labou punching members of the public, and they may also foul public highways by advertising themselves which could lead to children and families slipping up; so they may present a threat to public health and public safety.

Their lack of natural predators means that they are naturally tame and easy to feed at the bank. Measures to control their numbers have included oiling with skiddy material but this has failed to reduce their numbers to acceptable levels.

Under no circumstances, do not GET CROSS with them. Humour them and they will eventually go away to hibernate again in mid May.

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