Zombie journalist ate my hamster






In the latest in a series of unprovoked attacks sweeping Britain, my hamster was yesterday eaten by a zombie journo. Starved of suitable diet, the wide eyed hacks have in recent weeks been turning into bloodcurdling simpletons walking the streets at night, haranguing people in shopping centres and stalking celebrities for their stories.

Research has shown that the ZJ’s as they are known are particularly fond of small animals at this time of year, and so it was with great sadness that our Freddy was cruelly snatched whilst in his plastic ball outside on the front lawn. He was downed in one, head first.

Fred the Ted as he was known became a national treasure after auditioning in Britain’s Got Talent playing the ukulele.

Prime minister David Cameron called an emergency Cobra meeting to discuss the escalation  during the parliamentary recess, just stopping short of a recall which experts predict may end the invasion of the swarming menaces and also emphasised that we need a “big conversation” on how the ZJ’s operate in public places.

A resistance led by West Bromwich West Labour Deputy Leader contender Tom Watson has mobilised to counter the parasites which can cause serious damage to human health. Support for a cull is growing, but unfortunately the ZJ’s are protected by laws which mean it is an offence to disturb or kill them whilst typing, vox popping , or surrounding a target.

page 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 TITS, TITS, AND MORE TITS.

OK so that was total bullshit, but in recent weeks there have been a slew of attack gull stories, which follow on before from stories concerning fox attacks and also badger attacks. The pattern is by now familiar.

*Hysterical person reports a story- damage to property, a pet “eaten”

*More hysterical people report similar stories because they are deemed “newsworthy”.

*Politicians start making statements after being asked to by those trying to fill pages with comments to keep the story going.

*A species is smeared and inevitable attacks on them follow which are also then reported.

This year its the turn of gulls, and there are talk of culls. Next year it could be cats. In the past it has been dogs- which led to one of the weakest kneejerk and ill thought out pieces of legislation in recent history.

One can only hope that Canada geese escape the wrath, but with councils like Sandwell and many others internationally declaring war on a species which is far less harmful than man, it is up to those who know them to fight their corner and rebut the media driven drivel.


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